Monologue Jokes for 2/8/2010 - 2/13/2010

Hear's what I got for this week, folks!

A Roman Catholic priest was arrested for cocaine possession in Pennsylvania. When asked why he had it, he said he was trying anything to dull the smell of that incense.

Police arrested a Roman Catholic priest in Pennsylvania for cocaine possession. The priest reportedly found a higher power.

The housing market in Detroit is so bad that one bank is selling a house for $1. There’s been a lot of interest, but most people end up going with a Snickers Bar.

There is a house in Detroit that is being sold for $1. And next door there’s a convenience store that sells 100 Grands for 79 cents.

For Valentine’s day, a farmer in Minnesota made a giant manure heart in a field for his wife. It didn’t smell great, but it tasted better than the store brand chocolates at Rite-Aid.

An Arizona environmental group is giving away 100,000 free condoms for Valentine’s Day. You hear that, Phoenix? Don’t buy balloons!

An Arizona environmental group is giving away 100,000 free condoms for Valentine’s Day. Because giving away 100,000 plastic bags that can only be used once is good for the environment.

1500 Orthodox Jews have come down with the mumps in New York and New Jersey. This is on the first major mumps outbreaks in America since the MMR vaccine was released in 1949. It appears that is making a comeback in the Orthodox community because it’s most comfortable in their clothes.

There has been a mumps outbreak among Orthodox Jews in New York and New Jersey. Mumps’s new years resolution is to keep kosher.

A new “preservation of the union” penny was unveiled at the Lincoln Presidential Library this week. The one-cent piece was chosen for the tribute because that’s how much the southern states thought the idea was worth.

Massachusetts called a weather emergency this week in preparation for a snow storm that never actually came. Wow… I haven’t seen this much hype over nothing since Tom Brady came back from his knee injury.

Bill Clinton had two stents put in his heart. Apparently is was going to burst with all that tender lovin’ in it.

NBC plans to cover 835 hours of the Winter Olympics in an effort to prove to viewers that they don’t always cancel programming that nobody’s watching.

NBC plans to cover 835 hours of the Winter Olympics this year – more than the 2002 and 2006 Winter Olympics combined! They also may cancel it if the first two days lose to CBS in the ratings.

They have iPhones in South Korea now. And rather than take their gloves off in the cold, people have found that a popular sausage snack works as a stylus on the screen. The same thing hasn’t caught on in the states because Americans can’t be trusted to hold a sausage without eating it.

A Wisconsin man was arrested after repeatedly shocking his dance instructor with a stun gun. He says the victim “defiles married women.” That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows that all dance instructors do with women is shop and gossip.

Lego models of three San Francisco landmarks have been stolen. And now dozens of homeless Lego men have nowhere to loiter.

A Georgia man smashed 29 flat screen televisions with a bat in a Walmart. He reportedly hadn’t seen that episode of “Lost” yet.

Scott Brown is writing a memoir detailing his life and rise to power. It will also be the first political memoir with a pull-out centerfold!

A strip club in Ohio held a “Lap Dances for Haiti” fundraiser. It raised some money, nothing close to the Bunny Ranch’s “Nude Oral for New Orleans.” I think it was the alliteration that made the second such a success.

A 17 year old in Washington crashed his parents’ car through the front door of his high school and then drove it down the hall. The car was totaled, and the kid was still late for class.

In New York, an eleven year old boy is facing assault charges after scratching another student with a pencil. While this may seem harsh, remember that the pencil is a well-known “gateway” weapon.

A Florida man shot himself in the leg this week just after exiting a gun shop. On the upside, now he doesn’t have to go to ‘Nam.

Police have been using YouTube in criminal investigations to increase success. One web-related sting led to the arrest of two girls, one cuff.

Michelle Obama recommended this week that America “get moving” on it’s childhood obesity problem. Though America would prefer to stay in and watch others get moving on YouTube.

Michelle Obama recommended this week that America “get moving” on it’s childhood obesity problem. Public support was tepid, until someone suggested Xbox develop a game where a mysterious outlaw hunts down obesity with a rocket launcher.

Dutch authorities officially banned beastiality in the Netherlands. Bad news for HornyHorses.com. Great news for HorseFacedSingles.net.

Animal protection advocates are encouraging the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club to replace their live animal with a robot. Not only is it more humane, but a robot hedgehog can stop six more weeks of winter with his laser eyes!

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Thanks for reading! I post jokes throughout the week on DailyComedy.com, so check me out there. Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it.

Monologue Jokes for 2/7/2010

Hey, folks. I'm trying to get back in the swing of writing jokes. It's hard to do it every day, but I'm trying to get on the wagon. Here's what I have for you today!

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The first tea party convention was held this weekend in Nashville Tennessee at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel. No gaylords were admitted.

A massive snowstorm buried Washington DC. This will have little effect on the capitol, as Congress has been frozen for months.

This week, the Dow actually dropped below 10,000 points again. And the Democrats dropped below 10,000 supporters.

MA Senator Scott Brown was rushed into office this week so he could oppose a labor appointment. Because he was elected to represent the working people!

LA area residents were surprised to find their homes buried in mud this week. They are much more used to finding their homes filled with slimeballs.

Following her appearance at the Tea Party Convention, Sarah Palin said it wouldn’t be “absurd” to consider a presidential run in 2012. Said 70% of America, “ya, it would.”

Tiger Woods was released from sex addiction rehab this week, so now he’s back to just putting his balls in 18 holes.

The FBI is reviewing a John Edwards sex tape that was turned over by a former Edwards aide this week. Authorities are hoping to gleam from the tape whether or not the former Presidential candidate has is a two pump chump.

President Obama has called for a bipartisan summit to discuss healthcare. While little is known about the format, it is assumed that beer will be served.

President Obama has called for a bipartisan healthcare summit. Democrats are expected to give into some Republican demands, which Republicans are expected to suddenly oppose.

Afghan president Hamid Karzi said this weekend that he wants security in his country to be turned over to local authorities by 2014. The US responded that it wanted it’s deficit forgiven and a Sylvester Stallone reality show, but didn’t expect to see that, either.

The Prius has been added to the list of Toyota vehicles with faulty gas pedals that make the car speed out of control. The upside is you can’t even hear the Prius crash.

The US military now has morning after pills available at all health facilities. So you can get them in a desert in Afghanistan, but maybe not in western Massachusetts.

Volunteers in Miami were on the street to try to convince Super Bowl prostitutes that there were other options for them. But after looking at Miami’s unemployment numbers, the prostitutes were just happy to have jobs.

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Thanks for reading! If you liked or didn't like anything, or have any notes, feel free to leave a comment. I'm always psyched to hear from folks. Also, you can see me every Saturday at 7pm in Central Square, Cambridge, MA at Improv Boston through February and March. The show I'm in is called "A Fireside Chat with Don't Tell Mimi." It costs $5. Tickets are available at www.improvboston.com .

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Jokes for 01/20/2010

Republican Scott Brown beat Martha Coakley in a major upset in Massachusetts. While Coakley is pro-choice, anti-war, and supports health care reform, Brown has a cool truck and we’ve already seen his penis.

Republican Scott Brown won the MA senate race yesterday when, taking a page out of the NBC play book, the electorate cancelled liberalism after just twelve months.

In her concession speech, Martha Coakley assured her supporters that she would continue to spread her message of saying nothing. Ever.

Voters from Ted Kennedy’s home town of Hyannisport voted overwhelmingly for Republican Scott Brown. Said one voter, “we just want a better life for ourselves.”

Archeologists unearthed an Egyptian temple of the ancient cat goddess, giving many a better understanding of why god is so frequently sleeping on the job.

In an effort to curb alcoholism, the UK has banned drinking games. The move is also modeled to encourage weight loss, as it’s impossible to eat British food sober.

The US army is investigating a military contractor who allegedly stamped references to bible verses on weapons. Among them, “thou shalt not kill,” “love your fellow man,” and “kill all the brown people.”

The Supreme Court ruled that courts should remain open during jury selection. Because people need entertainment anywhere they can get it these days.

Jokes from May 13 - May 16, 2009

Well, wasn't this jokeblog a good idea. Started in February, I'm now finally getting to posting on it in mid-May! Here are some jokes!

Students from the Warren-Prescott Elementary School in Charlestown took a surprise win at a regional chorus competition just one day after the shooting death of one of their classmates at a bus stop. The children claimed to have drawn strength from the tragedy, and the principal has vowed to murder one student annually to maintain moral.

The FDA is requiring Cheerios to change their advertisements due to lack of scientific evidence to back up their claims. Contentious statements in the commercials include that the cereal lowers cholesterol, reduces the risk of heart disease, and “tastes good.”

Mothers Against Drunk Driving CEO Chuck Hurley has withdrawn his name from the top job at the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Although he was an Obama favorite, his nomination turned sour when it was revealed that he was not a mother.

Two women were refused a marriage license in Moscow. Responding to the request, it was explained to them that Russian law clearly states that marriage is between a man and a tractor.

Sarah Palin has agreed to write her memoirs in order to tell her side of the story in her rise to political celebrity. And to bolster the Alaskan economy, she has insisted that the book be printed on the hides of moose that she kills from a helicopter.

Frugal parents are crashing at their children’s dorms in order to save money during graduation visits. Also, at the dinner after the ceremony, no wine, just a few rounds of pabst blue ribbon.

Fast food restaurants in Boston’s Kenmore Square are reportedly closing to make room for a mixed use luxury building. The ground floor will be used for a high end coffee bar called “McCafe.”

Craigslist has done away with its erotic services section. While losing a popular part of the site, the proprietors are confident that they’ll make up for their losses in increases in other service ads, such as part-time mommy, catholic school girl tutoring, and an extensive new page called “Help Wanted: Bears.”

A South American Fly has been introduced in Texas to deal with the state’s fire ant problem. The fly apparently lays eggs on the ant’s head, and the larvae eats it’s brain, turning it into what scientists are calling a “mindless zombie” before its head eventually falls off. Said on spokesant: “They’re eating our brains… who’s really the zombie here?”

New reports suggest that Nancy Pelosi knew about waterboarding as early as 2003. To be fair, she was led to believe that it was a beach sport.

The stream of illegal immigrants crossing into the US from Mexico has dropped significantly this year. Said Mexico, "ya, thanks, but we've got swine flu and poverty right here!"

Several major insurance companies are seeking a federal bailout because they can't meet their day-to-day debts. Sounds like someone should have gotten Geiko.

The World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that the swine flue was not accidentally released from a lab. Nope. They did that on purpose!

President Obama has been having second thoughts about Bush era policies on an array of subjects, agreeing that torture photos should be suppressed and that terror suspects should be tried in military tribunals. He has also reportedly stopped walking in order to swagger.

That's it for now. More next week!

Come see me host Christian Finnigan at Great Scott this Friday at 7pm! GreatScottBoston.com

A comedy blog!

Hey there, folks!

My name's Matt. I do comedy. I often write topical bits that I either never use or only use once, and figured it about time to put a blog together to record it. I will also periodically post where and when I'm performing, footage of shows, etc.

BAM!